I Can't Sleep at Night, Baby...

you're my dream,
yet you have no idea
the nights, the weeks, the years
I spend aimlessly
wandering through memories
like a field
of bright white and yellow daisies
the nights of bliss
dancing, laughing, sleeping
all with you by my side
I long for you
I wait for you

I dream of you
yet you seem so innocent
like a white handkerchief
untainted and pure
too good for my filthy past;
the nights, the weeks, the years
I cluttered my life with dirt
and trash
underneath is something special
like shag carpet,
soft and pleasing,
yet it is still under layers of grime
you found it.
you found me.

I dream of you
though dreams were never meant
to come true.

Live Again

Dew is wet on the grass as I park.
1:22 is the time 
on my green-lit digital clock. 
It’s quiet here with no sound but a breeze. 
I step out and the cold hits me like a shock.

I zip my jacket up against the bitter cool air 
and nuzzle my face into the collar. 
A faint deep sigh is heard, I shiver; 
was it from me?
so intense, profound, yet familiar?

Slowly, I begin to walk 
to a site yet untouched, 
Pacing myself and trying not to cry. 
I kneel and then, again, a sigh escapes me. 
I pause, and then look to stars in the sky.

Lowering my eyes once more, 
I fix my gaze upon that stone 
Remorse overcomes me as I read. 
I run my fingers along the engraved words, 
as if blind in my eyes and Braille I need.

“Rest in Peace” 
it reads above your name.
I say it calmly aloud as if reaffirming it to you. 
Your name below it, in a beautiful font.
Everything here connects us anew.

The dates of your birth and of your death,
The two dates which life has for certain,
Sit below your name, a smaller font.
I run my fingers over those dates,
As if trying to move a curtain.

I can see into the stone in front of me. 
I visualize all our memories, your life with me. 
So many years together, as close as siblings,
I ask repeatedly, 
“Why’d you leave?”

A breeze blows and stings my nose and lungs.
Love, what was our love, has gone from life.
Did we really love as lovers or merely brothers? 
I question as I
clutch your ring, 
in my hand I hold it tight.

I lay the ring on the grass, then start to dig. 
I want to dig to China, I think to myself, 
to escape this pain, this life that has become. 
I want to go somewhere, 
break out of my shell.

I bury the ring in front of the stone. 
I stand now and continue to reflect. 
I don’t see the stone, grass or trees in the distance. 
I see life 
and its abrupt, yet strangely peaceful rest.

Life lived as though there were no end. 
An immortal soul now buried below the ground. 
I begin to cry for your loss of such short life. 
I try to leave but again I fail. 
I fall back down.

I hear you, your voice, in my mind so calm: 
“Release me, release him to whom you hold.
You were too good for me, you’re too good for him.” 
This time I shiver
but not because of the freezing cold.

“Keep your head high for you have so much to do. 
You cannot join me where I am, this place. 
You have someone here on earth that still needs you. 
Look into the mirror, 
staring back, it is that face.”

The tears seem to freeze to my cheeks 
as they flow from my eyes, 
down to drop off my chin. 
I realize I need not you to survive, nor your memories. 
I realize I need me, if I’m to win.

I lean forward, my pants wet from the dew, 
I lay a kiss, a solitary kiss, upon the cold, hard stone. 
Life, so short was taken from you at the wrong time, 
yet you still speak. 
I’m not alone.

I stand, slowly turning my back to your final resting place. 
I breathe deep and confident and begin again. 
I will not return, nor will I forget.
I will move on. I must continue.
I must live again.

My Hand

Typing at a computer
hiding from the rain
like a rabbit crawling
to a dry place

My hands keep typing away
nurturing my soul back to life
Friends try, but my hands
always there

Running from a place
I cry through my fingertips
The world is sad and dark
but through my fingers, it's no longer foggy

The sun returns...
then I will sing
and be happy again.

Loved

i just want to be loved.
loved for who i am
for whom i wish to be
for what I want to become

for where i've been
for where i am now
for what I have done
and what i have yet to do

when I am sad and lonely
and also when i'm happy
when i am mad and upset
and when i am at peace

I want to be loved
loved in the morning
and even still in the night
loved through all my life

i just want to be loved

A Work in Progress

our senses are supposed to be
for enjoyment such as touch
nose to smell, ears to hear, eyes to see
but sometimes too much

eyes see things and remember
eyeliner running down a cheek
they remember tears and eyes
bloodshot and watery

open to daylight's brightness
reveal glory and beautiful me
eyes close to remember more
haunting tales of a scary memory

blurred yellow of streetlights around
cars driving in a distance, but no sound
darkness apparent with the touch of a hand
knees shake and buckle, i can't stand

i see hair falling from your face
oh dear God, my legs aren't shaved
you hit me from behind, on the head
please, don't let me wind up dead"

you arm tightens its grip on my neck
please, stop hurting me on my back
but now you're gone, i hope i'm sure
please tell me about those four hours or more

there's memories between
i just do not want to see
my eyes failed me, happy for me
not mad or sad, as normally

(I need to put something else here
but it hurts to much.)

pry and pry as hard as you might
sometimes it reveals a tiny light.
i don't want you to try anymore
my heart is broken, already torn.

LSA

Last night was weird
and I'm terribly sorry
Trying to avoid what I feared
Instead of letting it out
I guess it wasn't right
it wasn't the right time
nor the right place
even though it was on my mind

starting with good news,
Hoping to turn into harder stuff
I guess when I'd said the praise report
My mind had had enough
I wanted to tell you,
really, I did...
I must've thought it thru
so much I couldn't say it.

So here we go, it's coming out
I'm at work with nothing to do
I'm gonna say it aloud
as if I'm talking to you
See I'm happy being friends
and I'll be your friend till the end
but I've found myself falling for you
and only getting deeper

I'm not sure what I was afraid of
afraid of losing you, I guess
Afraid of what you'd think of me
Even afraid of the best
you signals are so confusing
I've been reading them for months
Now it's my sanity I'm losing
so now I think it's time.

I suppose a reply isn't needed
but I wish I knew how you feel
One thing, though, is that I hope
I hope to keep this friendship REAL
If it's meant to be, so it shall be
God's got a plan for you and me
Hey and whatever comes from this
I want us to remain friends through all of it.

The Drei Amigas

See you fading back again
Back into your mystery
Fading in and out of my life
Just as you did so suddenly

I look back and see our laughs
and our joys and happiness
I remember good times with friends
never foreseeing my sadness

Do you remember those times?
I wish we could go back there...
Do you remember our friendship?
Oh how I wish we could go back there...

See you fading back again
Back into your mystery
You appeared outta the blue
Don't know why I saw you so heavenly...