Live Again

Dew is wet on the grass as I park.
1:22 is the time 
on my green-lit digital clock. 
It’s quiet here with no sound but a breeze. 
I step out and the cold hits me like a shock.

I zip my jacket up against the bitter cool air 
and nuzzle my face into the collar. 
A faint deep sigh is heard, I shiver; 
was it from me?
so intense, profound, yet familiar?

Slowly, I begin to walk 
to a site yet untouched, 
Pacing myself and trying not to cry. 
I kneel and then, again, a sigh escapes me. 
I pause, and then look to stars in the sky.

Lowering my eyes once more, 
I fix my gaze upon that stone 
Remorse overcomes me as I read. 
I run my fingers along the engraved words, 
as if blind in my eyes and Braille I need.

“Rest in Peace” 
it reads above your name.
I say it calmly aloud as if reaffirming it to you. 
Your name below it, in a beautiful font.
Everything here connects us anew.

The dates of your birth and of your death,
The two dates which life has for certain,
Sit below your name, a smaller font.
I run my fingers over those dates,
As if trying to move a curtain.

I can see into the stone in front of me. 
I visualize all our memories, your life with me. 
So many years together, as close as siblings,
I ask repeatedly, 
“Why’d you leave?”

A breeze blows and stings my nose and lungs.
Love, what was our love, has gone from life.
Did we really love as lovers or merely brothers? 
I question as I
clutch your ring, 
in my hand I hold it tight.

I lay the ring on the grass, then start to dig. 
I want to dig to China, I think to myself, 
to escape this pain, this life that has become. 
I want to go somewhere, 
break out of my shell.

I bury the ring in front of the stone. 
I stand now and continue to reflect. 
I don’t see the stone, grass or trees in the distance. 
I see life 
and its abrupt, yet strangely peaceful rest.

Life lived as though there were no end. 
An immortal soul now buried below the ground. 
I begin to cry for your loss of such short life. 
I try to leave but again I fail. 
I fall back down.

I hear you, your voice, in my mind so calm: 
“Release me, release him to whom you hold.
You were too good for me, you’re too good for him.” 
This time I shiver
but not because of the freezing cold.

“Keep your head high for you have so much to do. 
You cannot join me where I am, this place. 
You have someone here on earth that still needs you. 
Look into the mirror, 
staring back, it is that face.”

The tears seem to freeze to my cheeks 
as they flow from my eyes, 
down to drop off my chin. 
I realize I need not you to survive, nor your memories. 
I realize I need me, if I’m to win.

I lean forward, my pants wet from the dew, 
I lay a kiss, a solitary kiss, upon the cold, hard stone. 
Life, so short was taken from you at the wrong time, 
yet you still speak. 
I’m not alone.

I stand, slowly turning my back to your final resting place. 
I breathe deep and confident and begin again. 
I will not return, nor will I forget.
I will move on. I must continue.
I must live again.